Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Left behind

Just something I wrote, I am feeling a bit down and left behind by people who claim to be friends. I find writing helps when I don't have any other way of getting out what I feel. It's also another distraction for my self harming.(I am almost 4 months clean). If you like this let me know and I will post more up as I do them. Thanks for reading.


I’ve been that girl
Always picked last
Never good enough 
Spotlight never on my face

Told me my dreams won’t come to life
Coz you don’t deserve the best alright 
Treated like dirt, the blood upon my face 
I’ve walked away to save grace
Always trying to win the race 

Spend hours on her face 
But the reflections don’t hide the pain 
Coz I’m never gonna be the girl with supermodel status 
 Just the a warrior with a scar
Who you belittle from afar 

I’m Stronger than any of you 
Coz I’ve got a battle I’m fighting too 
Never looks in a mirror coz she’s scared of what she’ll see

Hides her scars under her sleeves 
Whilst remembering to breathe 
Coz tonight might be her last 
This battle she cannot win 


Her army all dead and bleedin 

Thursday, 4 January 2018

Kati Morton

Hey

Today's post is all about a Youtube star I have followed for a long time. She's from the USA and has a mental health channel. Kati Morton is a Therapist and posts videos with advice and things to help us with Mental Health conditions. She also does a weekly YouNow where she goes live and does a chat and giveaways. 

Kati Morton's Youtube channel

Kati also runs a website where you can go and chat to other Kinions. And find links to Kati's video's and advice. Here is the link to Kati's website

Kati also has a patreon account which helps her be able to make the videos and the content needed to do videos. Being a Kinion also has benefits, You get entered into giveaways and a raffle. And you also get extra video content and Kati personally answers questions from her patreon members too. And you also get a mention on the videos on youtube. Kati Morton's Patreon 

You can also contact Kati on her twitter @Katimorton and over on facebook too under the same name.

Kati cannot always reply to you straight away so if you or someone you know is in crisis please contact the Samaritans or a doctor as soon as possible. 



Sunday, 26 November 2017

Struggling

I'm not doing so great. Actually I am doing quite badly, I've got some rubbish stuff going on with family and work is really getting me down.

I also don't know how I can afford Christmas, Everyone is so happy and looking forward to it and I cannot wait for it to be over. It's so expensive and I am struggling to be able to afford it. 

I have had those thoughts, Where I would be better if I wasn't here. I have had friends stab me in the back at work, And it means I am being moved off my department. I am looking for a new job after Christmas so I can get out. I have tried to enjoy it but it is making my mental health worse. And the travelling and cost is ridiculous. I don't think I will miss anyone if I leave either. I don't trust anyone that works there anymore. I know that is a bad thing to say but it is the truth.

I am also getting my urges back to self harm and hurt myself. I just need to feel pain, so I can get my anger out of my system. I also want to sleep for ages, I just want to get home from work and sleep. It's the only thing that stops the feeling of wanting to cry. 

Sorry it is not a happy post. But that is depression, It never goes away.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

My letter to death




Dear Death

I once wanted you so badly. Thoughts clouded every single minute of my day, I could not get the thought out of my head. I wanted to be with the ones that had left me behind, especially you. The one who I loved and the friend that got me. I tried once, It didn't happen. And I think in a way I am glad it didn't even though at the time I felt so angry and hated myself for it not happening. 

I have so much to live for at the moment. Life is getting better since the dark times I had 2 years ago. I really thought my world had ended and I couldn't find a way out of the big black hole I had fallen down. I felt so stupid and so scared of the future and if I could ever find myself again. It has not been an easy journey, But I suppose that is Mental Health all over. Nothing is ever easy though. We are sent trials to test us. And being able to fight them is part of the journey.

I have scars and they won't ever fade, But they show the battle I fought and that I am a survivor. I came through the darkest of times and the hardest fight I had to fight. I lost people through the battle but they don't matter and my life is so much better without them. 

I am in a better place and I am proud of how far I have come. Sometimes the thoughts come back and I do wonder if maybe one day they won't. But I have learnt how to deal with them now. This blog has helped and I am glad I started it.  I have stuff to focus on now, I have to live to be the best Auntie my nephew will have. I have a job I love and friends who couldn't cope if I wasn't around.

I have to be strong and help others, I want to help make a difference and help those who like me are struggling. It does get better and it gets better today.

Death I don't want you anymore, I want to live. I want the thoughts to go. I want to live my life to the fullest and the best version of me I can be. Because life's for the living.


Thursday, 9 November 2017

Biggest inspirations

This post is more of a cheerful happier post. I want to post about some of the people that inspire me on my mental health journey.

1. Philippa Hanna. 
@Philippahanna  

I love this lady to the moon. She has always been a big inspiration to me and she is a beautiful soul inside and out. I have been lucky enough to meet her a couple of times and hear her beautiful songs and music live. Her music is inspired by her battles and journey through life. And her songs and lyrics are what I love. I always listen to Philippa when I feel really down and her music picks me back up.

Everyone go follow her. She really is inspirational. 


2. Collabro 
I love these boys SO much! They are the most friendliest beautiful talented angels. I have seen them live three times now and they always make me emotional. I love musical theatre. 


3. Josh Curnow
I have only seen Josh live once but I love him and his music. He also inspires me with his lyrics and the journey he has gone through. Also though I am not religious I find his belief's inspiring too. He is also local to me so I have to support him really. 

4. G4
I have been a fan of these guys since day 1. Back in the day I followed them around the country. I love them all so much! Seen them so many times and they get better and better. Also really lovely guys too, I love Mike the most(don't tell the others heehe)


5.Miranda Hart
She's funny! And I can relate to her character so much. I always put her dvd's on and I am instantly cheered up.
Plus she sent me a tweet before I got my job, And it helped me apply for the job I am in now.

6. Heather Peace
I love the bones of this lady. She is my biggest inspiration and idol. I love her! She's always so supportive and friendly and gives amazing hugs too. She helped me when I came out and also always has amazing advice. Her music always makes me feel better too. 

Last of all my biggest inspiration and the most beautiful man I have ever met. Rhydian! I love him SO SO SO much and he is always there for me. His music is like a warm hug and he just blows me away every time I get to see him. I think he is an angel, Seriously he is 1 in a million to me and I love him to the moon and back. Plus he is gorgeous and gives the most incredible hugs. He is like a best friend to me and I know we will always have each other's backs. 


How I cope with my anxiety at work

I work 8 hours a week, It isn't many hours but right now it suits me. Believe me it does not always seem easy, Some days I get so anxious before I go in that I have to countdown by the staff door before I go in. Some days I want to run, and my heart pounds I am surprised people cannot hear it. I also get random anxiety attacks through the day out of no where. I guess it comes from being told in previous jobs that I am not good enough. So I am always worried that I am going to be told that I am not up to the standards asked and sorry we have to get rid of you. Any way apart from my medication I have some tips on what I do to help me calm down and keep my anxiety at bay.

1. Breathe! I have learnt some breathing techniques through my mental health journey. And a tip I learnt from my counsellor is to push your heels into the ground, It helps you feel grounded and can help stop a panic attack.

2. I keep something in my pocket, it can be a pen, just something I can hold or play with when I am feeling anxious. 

3. Drink water, It helps me stop the sick feeling I get and can calm me down too.

4. Keep busy, I hate being quiet at work because I feel that is the time something will happen that will make my anxiety really bad.

5. Talk to someone. My friends I work with know what signs to look out for and know when I am feeling rubbish. And they know how to cheer me up too. Also I do feel that having management know that you have anxiety can help, as they can keep an eye on you and help when it is getting a bit tough going.

6. Wear a band. I sometimes keep a hairband or elastic band around my wrist, so I can flick it when I need a distraction method. 

7. Go take 5 minutes. I usually call it a toilet break, but sometimes it is just for me to go sit on the loo and collect my thoughts and breathe. I also get a drink. I find that sometimes it's all I need is to take myself out of the situation and find somewhere safe and quiet to just breathe. 

Thursday, 19 October 2017

I'm back and where have I been

I'm back. Well for now anyways. It's been ages and I am sorry but I am going to explain. Firstly we have not had Internet since Sept, So sadly this blog got left behind. 

I also have had no inspiration to post, Or what to even post! I am not doing too well. I am struggling but don't really know why! I have no explanation for how I am feeling. Nothing has happened that's really bad. I got sick for 3 weeks and it started then. I just feel tired all the time. Maybe it is because it is now darker in the evenings, The weather is colder and wet, It's dark when I come out of work. I love winter for the fact it's Halloween and Christmas but I also struggle with the lack of sunshine.

I am also having trouble with my hair, it is falling out in handfuls. And I don't know why, It is also dry and this is making me a bit down too. My hair is probably my favourite part about my body and I am worried.

I promise to be back soon, I am going to get some inspiration and hopefully come back with some posts soon.