Monday, 21 August 2017

Dear Depression

A letter from the heart of a girl who is struggling

Dear Depression.

It's me. The girl you keep making feel like shit. The girl who cries herself to sleep night after night. The one who has marks of anger and pain etched into her delicate fragile skin. Cheeks tear stained, mascara running down her face. I am the girl you make feel that she is never ever good enough for anything. The girl who's biggest fear is rejection. And the girl who is afraid of dying alone. I am the girl who worries daily about the smallest of things. The girl who's mind works overtime trying to fight daily to be "OK". The one who never feels loved and is afraid she won't ever meet the one. 

The girl who relies on pills to make her broken head work and to be able to sleep so she can be strong enough to fight the battle again the next day. To stop the nightmares and the bad dreams that keep her awake.

The girl who cannot look at her reflection in a mirror in fear of what she will see. The one who years of bullying etched in her mind, never ever leaving her no matter how hard she tries to forget.

You wear me out Depression. It's a constant battle of trying to stay strong and faking a smile. My chest feeling like a weight is sitting on it. Like my heart is beating so fast it cannot keep up, Scared one day it might stop altogether. Always there in the back of my mind, niggling away. It's a pain that never goes. 

Just for one day, One day it would let me feel OK, Where I didn't have to be strong, I could just be me.............But maybe this is me, and I am being the best I can be. 

Friday, 11 August 2017

Labels and how I feel about them

This post is inspired by a chat I had with a very close friend about how I felt about my mental health labels and how I feel about knowing my diagnosis and how people reacted knowing about my conditions.

I was first diagnosed in 2008. Back then I was only diagnosed with Depression. My anxiety diagnoses came later. I was diagnosed and put onto anti depressants. I didn't really know how I felt then I think I was just relieved that I knew what was wrong and that I was getting help and I was not seen as crazy, And that I had someone that understood how I was feeling and that were willing to help me.

I saw counsellors and had regular appointments.  But I found that people found the label depression difficult especially in my old job. I got a lot of comments like "Oh but you have nothing to be depressed about" and "You are young and seem so happy why do you have depression?" 

I found that people can also use the labels against me too. I later found this out when I lost my job before this and also when we had a big family fall out(which I will get into later)

I don't know if I feel comfortable with my labels or not. I do on one hand think it helps me. But I feel these days too that anxiety is used when people don't really have it, I have heard people use it and joke about it. I had someone say to me that "Oh all you youngsters have anxiety these days" No! I struggle some days even getting to work, I can sometimes step off the bus and a panic attack can trigger, It isn't something everyone has. I have generalised and social anxiety. I find being around people I don't know eg parties and social gatherings difficult. I don't really go to any work parties because they make me feel uncomfortable. I don't really drink and drunk loud people make me really panicky.

Now I will get onto why I feel labels are dangerous. I had a big family falling out that has led to me not allowed to speak to my mum's side of the family apart from a couple aunts and uncles, My auntie used my label of depression and anxiety to tell everyone I was dangerous and I should of been sectioned and that I am mental. All I did in self defence was push her away from me, Because she was all in my face screaming and she actually went for me. So yes labels can be used to slander and cause trouble as I found out. It only stopped when we threatened her with solicitors and suing her.

I also suffered at work with my ex boss telling my dad that I was too mentally unstable to hold down a full time job let alone a job with people. I had worked for that company 9 years and the only reason I wasn't coping was because I was being screamed at constantly and the manager refused to help and stop it happening. I am in a job now with people and I love it and I will admit I am the happiest I have been for a long time. All it takes is the right team of people that are supportive and understand. My manager is fantastic and it is because she understands Mental Health and how it can affect you.

Also I found that applying for jobs, I heard back from applications if I didn't put my conditions down. I don't know how it affects job applications, Has anyone else found that if they didn't put that they had depression etc they heard back? Is it really that important if we don't put it down? I know at Primark they did ask about it and wanted to know how I was coping and that they would support me any way they could and they was glad I had told them about it so they understood why some days I could be down and they knew they had a reason and could help me and be there for me if I needed it.

So let me know in the comments on how you feel about being diagnosed and has it helped you or affected you?

Thursday, 3 August 2017


I am posting today about Anxiety. And how it affects me every single day. And what I do to help relieve some of it in my day to day life.

I have social and generalised anxiety, And it does affect me every single day. I find going out around people and having to socialise difficult. It means that going to supermarkets and places that are going to be busy and crowded hard. I panic if I cannot find the people I am supposed to be with, I hate loosing my mum in the supermarket(I think this comes from me being lost when I was little) I even hate having to lock doors in the loo. My anxiety is even bad travelling. I get over this though with having my headphones in and distracting myself. I also make sure I have my water with me. I like when the bus is not busy as I have plenty of room to make sure I am not crushed.

I also make sure I never drink coffee when I am out or working as it sends my heart crazy. I am on beta-blockers and they do help. I get really really bad anxiety at work. My manager is great and I am allowed to get some water and take a few minutes out if I need it. I have learnt some breathing to help me as well. But I hate how it affects me daily and I wish it would go away.

I also have separation anxiety, I hate being away from home. I don't do well when I have to go away and I have some big trips coming soon. I would love some tips from people if they have any. I have cancelled many events because I cannot bring myself to go and be away from home and also I panic about what will happen. But I am not going to let it beat me this time as next month is someone I am a big fan of and I am not missing it for nothing.

Does anyone have any app ideas I can download on my phone? I always have my phone with me so I can download stuff on my phone to distract me. I have kindle so I can read. But I wondered if anyone knows any other good anxiety apps. 

Monday, 17 July 2017

Tiger Lilly

Hi Everyone

Today I have a post about a very dear friend and someone I care a lot about. She is an incredible musician and artist. And she is a mental health warrior and suicide survivor. Tiger Lilly is crowd funding to take her mental health tour and music and story around the country to schools and music venues. I shall post the link down below where you can donate and help spread the word and help make a difference to those who need help and help to spread mental health awareness.

Broken Glass tour

Here is the link where you can donate and get a reward. I highly reccomend donating for the album because it has some amazing tracks and it's all written by Tiger Lilly herself. 

Green Eyed Monster

Here is one of the tracks featured and you can find all her other music on her youtube channel.

TigerLilly official youtube

Find TigerLilly at her social media accounts below


Monday, 10 July 2017

My old job

I have decided to do a blog post on how much my old job I was in for 9 years at a popular high street chemist/Health and beauty store affected my mental health and some of the things that were said to me and why after 9 years I left.

I started there when I was 23. I had previously worked at a supermarket(which I loved) but left there as the hours I was working were no longer any good for me. So I found this job at a chemist and applied and got it pretty much straight away.  

It all started off well and I did enjoy it and made some friends and settled in well, All was OK for a year but then it started to go wrong. I was off sick for a bit and they didn't like it and then other sickness meant I got a disciplinary and that annoyed me as I couldn't help being ill. Then some other stuff happened with complaints(that I still don't understand what actually was supposed to of happened) and it all started going wrong from then on wards. 

Then we got a new team leader and I didn't click with her and she didn't click with me, so it made going into work hard. This carried on for a year, things happened and were said and I just felt I was being picked on for no reason. Included being accused of stuff and being made to feel really small and stupid. 

Luckily I had friends there that stood up for me and were supportive, I had some family stuff happen too and it just made me really sad and down and I think my depression had started then but I ignored it and carried on the best I could. Back then I was working full time. 

Then three years had passed and I got to help out at a local pharmacy and then ended up moving there permanently and leaving the big store I was in. All was good there to start with and I loved my manager and met my best friend there. But then the manager I got along with left and it all started to go down hill because we didn't have a manger and it just went really wrong and I started to question if I had done the right thing in moving. 

But a new manager started and took over and for a little while it was alright and I thought it was going to sort itself out and I would be alright. But hell no how wrong I was. It turns out the manager we got had issues with me. Daily she would make comments about how I was scruffy and that I was lazy. It got so bad I ended up being signed off for 6 months with depression and anxiety.

Then I came back and it all seemed to be going well, I settled back in and we got a new manager and I started to really enjoy working there. But then got moved to another pharmacy up the road and I knew from the first day I wasn't going to like it, I had no say in moving there. It was decided on my holiday that I was moving and that was that. 

The manager I had there I thought was going to be OK and would understand my depression and mental health, but turns out that the minute anything started going wrong he would hide. And that meant two customers ended up getting aggressive with me and that then meant I got suspended. 

It was after the 2nd one had a go and I realised that the girls I worked with had not got my back and hearing what my manger back then said that I handed my notice in. I had already got to the point of waking up in the mornings and not wanting to go in and making reasons to not go into work. So that was the final straw. But my dad went into see the manger and some of the things he had said about me were awful and made me so mad. Apparently I am not a people person and I shouldn't work in retail. Well how wrong he was, I am now in a job I love and a job where I am appreciated and I have a fantastic team of friends and the managers/supervisors are supportive.

Never ever let anyone tell you that you cannot do something. I am glad I saw sense and left, even if I did leave behind friendships. I am so much happier where I am now, and maybe I have lost money but I would rather work somewhere and be happy than somewhere that makes me ill.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Life is a rollercoaster..............Especially with Depression.

I am not doing so great at the moment. My anxiety and depression has gone downhill and as much and as hard as I try to fight it I cannot beat this battle. I don't really know what has caused it to be totally honest. I wish I did know then I could try and sort it, I have had a little slip up with my self harming, And I am annoyed at that. I am finding work tough at the moment too and I think maybe that might be what it is. I don't want to admit that though as it was all going so well and I don't like people at work worrying about me and them having to check in with me weekly because I find that attention difficult. 

I have a little break now and as much as I wish I was in Cardiff money just couldn't cover how much the train fare would of cost me and if I am a bit honest I am scared about travelling alone to any cities at the moment.

Anyways I am trying to be OK but I need to remember that not every single day or week or month is going to be amazing and that It is OK not to be OK.

I love you all lots. Till next time 

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Blurt foundation and Buddy Box


Today I bring you a fab website/subscription box that is based around Mental Health and Anxiety. It's the Blurt Foundation and there box Buddy Box.

I received one last year and I loved the idea behind it, I then ordered myself this months and it came a couple of days ago, So I have decided to review it and have taken some photos too.

Here are my photos taken of what I received and I will explain a little about it after.

First you receive the Buddy Box card with the social media outlets on the front and a little note about posting your box on social media and how to win a box for you and a friend. Use the tag #BuddyBox 

Then I had two postcards, One with a rainbow theme and birds which is super cute. And then another one with a quote. I love these to pin on my wall.

The next thing was believe in yourself cards, I love these, It is a set of cards with inspiring cards and quotes. These are going to be fab and I am going to be using them over social media and on the blog.

Then I got the super cute coaster, I LOVE this so much, Omg it is me down to a T! I love naps and llama's. 

Then my fav thing(Which I shall drink tonight now I have done the blog post) is Dark Hot choc shot, I love dark chocolate and marshmallows. And this won't make me feel like I am having a lot of calories as dark choc is good for you right! 

Next is some information and sites to where you can find the boxes. 

Blurt Foundation



Each BuddyBox contains at least 5 quality products hand-picked to nourish, inspire and encourage self-care.
The contents of the BuddyBox vary from month to month and remain a closely guarded secret. (The surprise is very much part of the experience.)
All the items included in the box are intended to make you feel good: helping you de-stress, find calm, feel pampered, relax, get creative, or simply have fun.


What are the subscription options?
There are two kinds of BuddyBox available: the full fabulous BuddyBox, and its lovely sibling – the BuddyBox Lite.
The BuddyBox (which has at least five items inside) is available as a rolling monthly subscription. You can also buy a one-off box.
The BuddyBox Lite (which contains three products) is available as a rolling monthly subscription. You can also buy a one-off box.

When will the box be delivered?
When you make your purchase, you are ordering a box for the following month. So if you place an order in January (whether it’s the 1st or the 31st), you will receive your BuddyBox in February.
Boxes are shipped from Blurt HQ on the 9th of the month, or the first working day after. We send boxes via Royal Mail 2nd Class post, so will take a few days to arrive within the UK.
International orders are shipped via Air Mail. According to Royal Mail:
Delivery to Europe in 3 to 5 working days
Delivery to the rest of the world in 5 to 7 working days

So if you need a pick up or know someone close to you that needs a pick up then go subscribe. Trust me you will not be disappointed