Sunday, 26 November 2017


I'm not doing so great. Actually I am doing quite badly, I've got some rubbish stuff going on with family and work is really getting me down.

I also don't know how I can afford Christmas, Everyone is so happy and looking forward to it and I cannot wait for it to be over. It's so expensive and I am struggling to be able to afford it. 

I have had those thoughts, Where I would be better if I wasn't here. I have had friends stab me in the back at work, And it means I am being moved off my department. I am looking for a new job after Christmas so I can get out. I have tried to enjoy it but it is making my mental health worse. And the travelling and cost is ridiculous. I don't think I will miss anyone if I leave either. I don't trust anyone that works there anymore. I know that is a bad thing to say but it is the truth.

I am also getting my urges back to self harm and hurt myself. I just need to feel pain, so I can get my anger out of my system. I also want to sleep for ages, I just want to get home from work and sleep. It's the only thing that stops the feeling of wanting to cry. 

Sorry it is not a happy post. But that is depression, It never goes away.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

My letter to death

Dear Death

I once wanted you so badly. Thoughts clouded every single minute of my day, I could not get the thought out of my head. I wanted to be with the ones that had left me behind, especially you. The one who I loved and the friend that got me. I tried once, It didn't happen. And I think in a way I am glad it didn't even though at the time I felt so angry and hated myself for it not happening. 

I have so much to live for at the moment. Life is getting better since the dark times I had 2 years ago. I really thought my world had ended and I couldn't find a way out of the big black hole I had fallen down. I felt so stupid and so scared of the future and if I could ever find myself again. It has not been an easy journey, But I suppose that is Mental Health all over. Nothing is ever easy though. We are sent trials to test us. And being able to fight them is part of the journey.

I have scars and they won't ever fade, But they show the battle I fought and that I am a survivor. I came through the darkest of times and the hardest fight I had to fight. I lost people through the battle but they don't matter and my life is so much better without them. 

I am in a better place and I am proud of how far I have come. Sometimes the thoughts come back and I do wonder if maybe one day they won't. But I have learnt how to deal with them now. This blog has helped and I am glad I started it.  I have stuff to focus on now, I have to live to be the best Auntie my nephew will have. I have a job I love and friends who couldn't cope if I wasn't around.

I have to be strong and help others, I want to help make a difference and help those who like me are struggling. It does get better and it gets better today.

Death I don't want you anymore, I want to live. I want the thoughts to go. I want to live my life to the fullest and the best version of me I can be. Because life's for the living.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Biggest inspirations

This post is more of a cheerful happier post. I want to post about some of the people that inspire me on my mental health journey.

1. Philippa Hanna. 

I love this lady to the moon. She has always been a big inspiration to me and she is a beautiful soul inside and out. I have been lucky enough to meet her a couple of times and hear her beautiful songs and music live. Her music is inspired by her battles and journey through life. And her songs and lyrics are what I love. I always listen to Philippa when I feel really down and her music picks me back up.

Everyone go follow her. She really is inspirational. 

2. Collabro 
I love these boys SO much! They are the most friendliest beautiful talented angels. I have seen them live three times now and they always make me emotional. I love musical theatre. 

3. Josh Curnow
I have only seen Josh live once but I love him and his music. He also inspires me with his lyrics and the journey he has gone through. Also though I am not religious I find his belief's inspiring too. He is also local to me so I have to support him really. 

4. G4
I have been a fan of these guys since day 1. Back in the day I followed them around the country. I love them all so much! Seen them so many times and they get better and better. Also really lovely guys too, I love Mike the most(don't tell the others heehe)

5.Miranda Hart
She's funny! And I can relate to her character so much. I always put her dvd's on and I am instantly cheered up.
Plus she sent me a tweet before I got my job, And it helped me apply for the job I am in now.

6. Heather Peace
I love the bones of this lady. She is my biggest inspiration and idol. I love her! She's always so supportive and friendly and gives amazing hugs too. She helped me when I came out and also always has amazing advice. Her music always makes me feel better too. 

Last of all my biggest inspiration and the most beautiful man I have ever met. Rhydian! I love him SO SO SO much and he is always there for me. His music is like a warm hug and he just blows me away every time I get to see him. I think he is an angel, Seriously he is 1 in a million to me and I love him to the moon and back. Plus he is gorgeous and gives the most incredible hugs. He is like a best friend to me and I know we will always have each other's backs. 

How I cope with my anxiety at work

I work 8 hours a week, It isn't many hours but right now it suits me. Believe me it does not always seem easy, Some days I get so anxious before I go in that I have to countdown by the staff door before I go in. Some days I want to run, and my heart pounds I am surprised people cannot hear it. I also get random anxiety attacks through the day out of no where. I guess it comes from being told in previous jobs that I am not good enough. So I am always worried that I am going to be told that I am not up to the standards asked and sorry we have to get rid of you. Any way apart from my medication I have some tips on what I do to help me calm down and keep my anxiety at bay.

1. Breathe! I have learnt some breathing techniques through my mental health journey. And a tip I learnt from my counsellor is to push your heels into the ground, It helps you feel grounded and can help stop a panic attack.

2. I keep something in my pocket, it can be a pen, just something I can hold or play with when I am feeling anxious. 

3. Drink water, It helps me stop the sick feeling I get and can calm me down too.

4. Keep busy, I hate being quiet at work because I feel that is the time something will happen that will make my anxiety really bad.

5. Talk to someone. My friends I work with know what signs to look out for and know when I am feeling rubbish. And they know how to cheer me up too. Also I do feel that having management know that you have anxiety can help, as they can keep an eye on you and help when it is getting a bit tough going.

6. Wear a band. I sometimes keep a hairband or elastic band around my wrist, so I can flick it when I need a distraction method. 

7. Go take 5 minutes. I usually call it a toilet break, but sometimes it is just for me to go sit on the loo and collect my thoughts and breathe. I also get a drink. I find that sometimes it's all I need is to take myself out of the situation and find somewhere safe and quiet to just breathe. 

Thursday, 19 October 2017

I'm back and where have I been

I'm back. Well for now anyways. It's been ages and I am sorry but I am going to explain. Firstly we have not had Internet since Sept, So sadly this blog got left behind. 

I also have had no inspiration to post, Or what to even post! I am not doing too well. I am struggling but don't really know why! I have no explanation for how I am feeling. Nothing has happened that's really bad. I got sick for 3 weeks and it started then. I just feel tired all the time. Maybe it is because it is now darker in the evenings, The weather is colder and wet, It's dark when I come out of work. I love winter for the fact it's Halloween and Christmas but I also struggle with the lack of sunshine.

I am also having trouble with my hair, it is falling out in handfuls. And I don't know why, It is also dry and this is making me a bit down too. My hair is probably my favourite part about my body and I am worried.

I promise to be back soon, I am going to get some inspiration and hopefully come back with some posts soon.

Monday, 21 August 2017

Dear Depression

A letter from the heart of a girl who is struggling

Dear Depression.

It's me. The girl you keep making feel like shit. The girl who cries herself to sleep night after night. The one who has marks of anger and pain etched into her delicate fragile skin. Cheeks tear stained, mascara running down her face. I am the girl you make feel that she is never ever good enough for anything. The girl who's biggest fear is rejection. And the girl who is afraid of dying alone. I am the girl who worries daily about the smallest of things. The girl who's mind works overtime trying to fight daily to be "OK". The one who never feels loved and is afraid she won't ever meet the one. 

The girl who relies on pills to make her broken head work and to be able to sleep so she can be strong enough to fight the battle again the next day. To stop the nightmares and the bad dreams that keep her awake.

The girl who cannot look at her reflection in a mirror in fear of what she will see. The one who years of bullying etched in her mind, never ever leaving her no matter how hard she tries to forget.

You wear me out Depression. It's a constant battle of trying to stay strong and faking a smile. My chest feeling like a weight is sitting on it. Like my heart is beating so fast it cannot keep up, Scared one day it might stop altogether. Always there in the back of my mind, niggling away. It's a pain that never goes. 

Just for one day, One day it would let me feel OK, Where I didn't have to be strong, I could just be me.............But maybe this is me, and I am being the best I can be. 

Friday, 11 August 2017

Labels and how I feel about them

This post is inspired by a chat I had with a very close friend about how I felt about my mental health labels and how I feel about knowing my diagnosis and how people reacted knowing about my conditions.

I was first diagnosed in 2008. Back then I was only diagnosed with Depression. My anxiety diagnoses came later. I was diagnosed and put onto anti depressants. I didn't really know how I felt then I think I was just relieved that I knew what was wrong and that I was getting help and I was not seen as crazy, And that I had someone that understood how I was feeling and that were willing to help me.

I saw counsellors and had regular appointments.  But I found that people found the label depression difficult especially in my old job. I got a lot of comments like "Oh but you have nothing to be depressed about" and "You are young and seem so happy why do you have depression?" 

I found that people can also use the labels against me too. I later found this out when I lost my job before this and also when we had a big family fall out(which I will get into later)

I don't know if I feel comfortable with my labels or not. I do on one hand think it helps me. But I feel these days too that anxiety is used when people don't really have it, I have heard people use it and joke about it. I had someone say to me that "Oh all you youngsters have anxiety these days" No! I struggle some days even getting to work, I can sometimes step off the bus and a panic attack can trigger, It isn't something everyone has. I have generalised and social anxiety. I find being around people I don't know eg parties and social gatherings difficult. I don't really go to any work parties because they make me feel uncomfortable. I don't really drink and drunk loud people make me really panicky.

Now I will get onto why I feel labels are dangerous. I had a big family falling out that has led to me not allowed to speak to my mum's side of the family apart from a couple aunts and uncles, My auntie used my label of depression and anxiety to tell everyone I was dangerous and I should of been sectioned and that I am mental. All I did in self defence was push her away from me, Because she was all in my face screaming and she actually went for me. So yes labels can be used to slander and cause trouble as I found out. It only stopped when we threatened her with solicitors and suing her.

I also suffered at work with my ex boss telling my dad that I was too mentally unstable to hold down a full time job let alone a job with people. I had worked for that company 9 years and the only reason I wasn't coping was because I was being screamed at constantly and the manager refused to help and stop it happening. I am in a job now with people and I love it and I will admit I am the happiest I have been for a long time. All it takes is the right team of people that are supportive and understand. My manager is fantastic and it is because she understands Mental Health and how it can affect you.

Also I found that applying for jobs, I heard back from applications if I didn't put my conditions down. I don't know how it affects job applications, Has anyone else found that if they didn't put that they had depression etc they heard back? Is it really that important if we don't put it down? I know at Primark they did ask about it and wanted to know how I was coping and that they would support me any way they could and they was glad I had told them about it so they understood why some days I could be down and they knew they had a reason and could help me and be there for me if I needed it.

So let me know in the comments on how you feel about being diagnosed and has it helped you or affected you?